Reader Awareness Warning: Possible Trigger Subject.
It’s ironic that I can’t bring to mind your face. It eludes my attempts to grasp it from the furthest recess of my memory. Occasionally I catch a glimpse of you. You had great teeth, really straight and white, and blue eyes, really light blue eyes, I remember that, but the rest eludes me and I’d like to see your face again.
I remember you smelled of Kouros, everyone did, it was the 1980′s and people were moving on from the not-so ‘great smell of Brut’. I smelled it again recently in a store and I suddenly remembered you wore a suit too, I liked men in suits. I liked men to be clean and smart and to smell good, and you didn’t disappoint. Your car too, I can see that it was black and new and smelled of pine. You had tree shaped air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror. You drove fast, you were confident, but not cocky.
You took me to dinner, but again my mind won’t allow me to remember where. It was rural and charming, filled with soft amber lighting and there was a roaring fire. You made me laugh, I liked that. I remember laughing a lot.
I can’t even remember your name but I can remember when it changed, when you changed and when everything seemed to turn black, as black as the shiny new interior of your car. I can remember the time, I had to be home by 11pm and you were speeding, it was 10.20pm when I looked at my watch and said “It’s OK, we’ve loads of time, no hurry.” I remember you didn’t reply, you just placed your hand on my thigh. I don’t know why it felt wrong, I was 18 years old, I’d had boyfriends, but it was wrong, and I felt it.
I can see where we drove as clearly as if I were there today, and I remember I said “Where are we going?” as you turned off the main road and into a darkened car park. The air in car suddenly seemed to have disappeared and even though I felt I was taking great lungfuls I knew I was suffocating. Of course now I know that I was panicking not dying, but it felt like I was losing a battle.
You stopped the car and it was so dark, there wasn’t a another soul in sight, and the silence, I don’t think I’ve ever known such silence since, I could hear only the rushing in my ears. Trees stood soundlessly and other cars were empty of their occupants, locked up for the night.
You leant over and kissed me, and I remember thinking that it was going to be OK after all and that you were driving so quickly, so intently because you wanted to have some minutes kissing. I tried to relax then, but my body refused. I tried to talk to you, to say I needed to keep an eye on that time, I tired to make a joke about how scary my Mother was but you just said “I think I deserve a little thanks don’t you?” Words formed of ice which sliced through my consciousness like a scythe through wheat, and I knew then what you would do.
I know every sickening minute of it, how you stole my body, how you robbed me of freedom. You didn’t hit me, or call me names. You merely took what you felt you deserved and when you’d finished, you started up the car and drove back into the world where it was light, and where people were still walking, laughing and talking, and where cars were still moving and everything was the same as before.
I didn’t speak, or cry or do anything. I adjusted my clothing and as you dropped me off at home I watched you wave as you drove on.
“Did you have a nice night?” said my Dad, smiling as I walked through the lounge towards to bathroom.
“Yes Dad.” I replied.
I washed you away, scrubbed you off and then I went to bed.
When I awoke the next day I thought ‘Yesterday I was a virgin’.
Copyright: 20 July 2012.
For me there was no rape crisis. I didn’t tell my parents. My Dad would I think have been completely devastated and my Mother – well that’s a sad story since she’d called me a “slut” since I was about 15, believing me to be very sexually active, so I really didn’t see the point. I didn’t trust her. I wasn’t promiscuous, I had lots of boyfriends but until that fateful evening I was a virgin. I told a friend and she took me to a clinic to ascertain whether I could be pregnant. No-one there even suggested I inform the Police….
If you are affected by this story or have been similarly abused please seek help. http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/